I was bugged relentlessly to watch
the show Sixteen and Pregnant. I did.
And all I can say is that I have lost 45 minutes of my life that I will never
get back and I am going to hunt down and mercilessly beat the individual who
encouraged me to watch that show. Actually it’s not a show as much as it’s an
attempt to show idiotic teenagers “making it work” as parents-to-be. And the
episode I watched left me sitting speechless for a good five minutes after I turned it off because I could not believe that these people actually exist in
our society and that MTV was giving them a platform to show how “difficult”
their situation is when in reality these children are no more than walking
hormones who couldn’t spend the five bucks to go and buy a three pack of
condoms at the gas station down the street from the parked car they used as an
escape from their overbearing parents who just want the best for them. I know,
parents are so unreasonable. What assholes!
The episode I watched was the first
show of Season 4, it starred the tumbling wonder Mackenzie and her obviously
terrified and/or brain damaged “love of her life” Josh. Mackenzie is just a fun
loving, cheerleading sophomore who got pregnant because, well, Josh was able to
persuade her. Hot damn! Josh must be some master manipulator of emotions and
temptations! Except he isn’t because if you put Josh next to a tree and were
asked to pick which one was capable of thoughts and rudimentary speech patterns
you would pick the tree because the rustling leaves would create more coherent
sentences than that farmer tanned waste of chromosomes.
It was at this point in the show,
when they introduced the “couple,” that I threw up in my mouth. That was the
first two minutes. I was excited.
After the wonderful intros, we are
thrust into the very interesting lives of these two future parents when
Mackenzie is 24 weeks preggo. And where do we find our waddling wonder? At her
cheerleading/tumbling school. Now, many of you reading this are not pregnant,
but I can tell you from experience, when a woman is 24 weeks pregnant all she
wants to do is sit down after a long day and have her husband rub her tired and
swollen feet. Not this one! She just wanted to tumble! I had to keep myself
from chucking my computer through a window at this part of the show. She wasn’t
looking for a job, she wasn’t getting diapers or baby proofing the house or
doing anything that is related to the F’N BABY COMING! It was her stupid
cheerleading! Which she couldn’t do because, guess why! SHE HAS A BABY GROWING
IN HER UTUERUS! But this action pales in comparison to her dud of a man Joshua.
Josh, at the same time his girl is
trying to roll around the tumbling mat, is not looking for a job. Nope, not
this future father! He’s got himself a plan to support is family. That plan?
RODEO! That’s right! This penis carrying a body is going to make money by
riding “broncs.” Even though he has received several concussions and has been
told by doctors to not continue to do anything remotely close to rodeo, HE GON’
DO IT ANYWAY! Let’s just forget the fact that he’s 18, never busted into a
semi-pro bronco riding circuit, has significant concussion issues, and is just
a total dumb ass. If we forget all that, yeah, he’s got a chance! When he was
talking to his friend about his plan to do rodeo to support his new family, his
friend did not do the right thing and say, “Well, I think you should get a job
somewhere you can get a steady income and reliable benefits so you can support
you new kid.” HELL NO! He told him, “Don’t take away nobody’s rodeo.” Well,
shit, thanks friend! Obviously you’re just as dumb as Captain Bronco Buster
over there! No wonder you two are friends.
Despite the shallow depth of our
two main characters, I continued to give the show a chance. I thought for sure
there would be some redeeming qualities at some point. Instead I got some
wonderfully staged and awkwardly forced moments between mother and daughter.
Mackenzie is sitting in her room
and her Mom walks in to have a little heart to heart with her daughter. This is
odd enough with a camera crew watching every moment, but the conversation was
just…unrealistic. The first thing out of Mom’s concerned mouth is, “How did
this happen?” Alright, valid question…if it was asked when little Mackenzie was
about four weeks along. But at this point she’s now 28 weeks! And Mackenzie
gave a great answer, “I don’t know, it just happened.” Huh? Really? Just
happened? Even saying, “He tripped over one of his lucky horseshoes and to break
his fall he dropped his pants mid-descent. And me, being the caring girlfriend
I am, dropped my pants and tried to break his fall with my backside because I
thought with all those years of tumbling and cheer my booty should be ample
enough to absorb the impact and prevent bodily harm from coming to my wonderful
boyfriend. And wouldn’t you know it, as I braced my body to absorb the impact,
his penis went right into my vagina and boom, pregnant,” would have been a
better explanation.
To go along with staged
performances, at 33 weeks, we find that Josh is involved in a car accident with
a Semi. Now, I did feel bad for him at this point because I don’t wish anyone
to die or be harmed. That would be terrible. But, when they show this bastard
in the next scene, they reveal that he has a severe neck injury and has to wear
a neck brace, but he’s moving just fine and HAS NO BRUISES, SCRAPES, CUTS,
BROKEN BONES, NOTHING! WHAT! This guy is hit by a Semi and has no other
injuries than a hurt neck that he can’t remember is hurt! Holy shit! It was at
this point that I now am waiting for Josh to be killed by being kicked in the
head by one of those broncos that he can’t stop thinking of. Or when the baby
is born, it shoots out like a human cannonball from Mackenzie’s vagina and he
is standing watching and it takes his head off. Just picture that and try not to
hope for that to actually happen. I do. Every. Damn. Time. I hate Josh.
It was at this point I gave up on
the show. I stopped paying attention until there was a baby in the picture. And
I was not disappointed. The baby boy, Gannon, was born through c-section
because he was too large. And I mean LARGE, as in stereotypical fat baby!
Michelin Man type baby fat. I was really happy with that because I was secretly
hoping for it the entire time. Made me feel like I had an impact in the out
come.
They cut to the second night at the
home of the new happy couple, sleeping in the living room of Mackenzie’s
parents. And the baby is crying every 2 – 3 hours, and both Mackenzie and Josh
are surprised by that fact. Josh doesn’t get off his ass to pick up the baby
and keeps sleeping. I’m sure he knew since he didn’t have boobs he couldn’t do
anything anyways, so why bother. What a man! I hope he gets his penis caught in a barbed wire fence.
Or a bucking bronco kicks him in the junk and his testicles just explode rendering him sterile. I really hate Josh.
And through the entire episode,
Josh has only worn three shirts. They’re all those real deep cut-off sleeve
shirts too. You know, classy! Something that shows he’s ready to be a Dad. And
Mackenzie isn’t any better. At seven weeks old, Mackenzie brings Gannon to her
tumbling studio so she can start practicing again. Forgetting that she is now
responsible for another human being, she continues to neglect getting a job, finding
any way to continue school, preparing her parents house, or just being a
reliable parent. She tries to go tumbling, probably because the producers of
the show told her to. Or because she’s an idiot and can only think about
herself. I still hate Josh more.
I notice that I have only five
minutes of the show left and shut if off. I cannot stand watching another
second of these uninformed, unprepared “parents” and their pathetic lives. I
then came to a realization. This entire show is based on these kids being
stupid and getting pregnant and then filming their “normal” lives and showing
us that struggle for entertainment. But I don’t know that most teenagers see it
as a struggle. They see it as another reality show that they could be a part of
and participate in. And if this episode is any indication, these are the
couples that I do not want raising children.
All I can say is be smart my young
friends. I know that as teenagers things happen (hell, ask your parents what
they did when they were in high school! They may not even answer the question!)
You’re exploring relationships and you’re maturing faster than your parents
would care to have. All I ask is that you take care of yourselves and take the
proper measures to protect yourselves. Enjoy your freedoms while you’re young.
Plan for children when you are a bit older and able to carry that
responsibility. We’ll all be better off for it.
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