Hand Sanitizer and Babies Do Not Mix!

            As a new father, I have found it interesting how often people will want to hold my new minion (which is my affectionate term for my baby girl), but only after asking, “Should I sanitize my hands first?” To this I say, NO!
            I fully understand that you want to “protect” this new little human being, but using hand sanitizer is not the way to go about it. Because, did you know that babies have an immune system just like every other person on this planet? Wow, what, really? YES! You can actually hold a baby without using hand sanitizer, and you will not give them the bubonic plague! As much as I appreciate the concern for my minion, she’s fine if you simply hold her. Hell, she poops herself almost every three hours, and she is just dandy thank you very much.
            The simple notion that by spreading an alcohol based hand scrub over your skin will prevent the spread of dirty, dirty germs is completely crazy to me. What were people doing in the 1980’s when I was born without hand sanitizer? My God, they must have worn oven mitts to handle newborns back then! Their hands must have been so dirty! I am assuming babies were dying left and right from being handled with greasy, food, and pee encrusted hands of their adult protectors! I mean the freaking horror!
            There are entire societies in Eastern Asia in which newborns are simply left on the side of the rice paddies as their parents and family members plant and harvest the food that keeps them alive. Think of that, small, defenseless babies sitting out in the swampy rice paddies while they are bitten by insects, while the sun is baking them like little human potatoes, and while no one washes their hands once they pick them back up after 12 hours in the fields. WHERE IS THE HAND SANITIZER! How are these children able to survive! IMMUNE SYSTEM STUPID! We’ve evolved a way to protect ourselves from the harmful thing in our environment. Imagine that, babies are able to fight off disease by only using their own immune system. Suck on that Purell!
            The other side of the hand sanitizing coin is this: they suck. They don’t work, period. A study by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), has shown that hand sanitizers may not kill germs! They only reduce the growth of the germs, or just irritate your skin. The burning and rash on your hand does not mean it’s working, it means you wasted $5.99 on a bottle of alcohol solution that gives you a mild case of eczema, that you can pass on to others so they can bust out in rashes. MY SAVIOR! THANK YOU!
Plus, the CDC has said that washing your hands with only water is more effective than using ANY type of hand sanitizer at removing unwanted germs. Hand sanitizers may kill 99.9999999999999% (which they don’t, but for sake of argument, just roll with me) of all the germs on your relatively clean hands, but that .0000000000001% of germs that survive are now resistant to the sanitizing agent, and you have just thrown evolution into overdrive and have now probably killed us all by creating a super virus that will destroy humanity, by having people eject the lower five feet of their bowels for three days and then their head will implode as the suction from their excrement leaving their butt-hole will cause a pressure vacuum in their body cavity. Nice job Mr. Clean, now were all dead because you were worried you pooped on yourself and wanted to hold my minion.

            Please, I BEG YOU, don’t ask to use hand sanitizer if you want to hold my minion. Actually, be smarter than that and just hold my minion as your hands are. My minion’s immune system needs practice! Bring on the dirtiness that you believe to be living within the cracks and crevices of your hands and spread that on my minion. In fact, if you are so worried about your hands around a baby, why are you not worried about them when you are just sitting there with your hands on your face? When you eat a sandwich? When you pick your nose? Scratch your butt? As soon a baby manifests in the room, suddenly you are concerned about what you may spread? NO! You’re dumb! Just hold my baby with your poopy pee hands and spread those germs around! I want a strong baby, and hand sanitizer will only work against that plan because you will kill us all with the butt ejecting head imploding disease thing mentioned above. Save a baby, don’t use hand sanitizer!

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