As the proud
father of a two-year old girl, and a brand new uncle to an adorable nephew, I
thought I would take a moment and prepare those men out there who have recently
become fathers, or are in the process of becoming one. So here is my own list
of advice for the males amongst us that are passing on their genetic code. Ladies,
you may read to see what we deal with as men, but you have a whole different
experience that makes our preparations laughable.
Ready Thyself for Nap-time!
There is a checklist that you have
to go through to make sure that, not only is your spawn ready for a nap, but
that you are prepared to endure the hours you will be lying motionless on the
couch with that little peanut snuggled against your chest. It’s the best
feeling in the world, but only if you are ready for it.
Before you even think about nap
time, it’s bathroom time for you! Even if you don’t have too, take the two
minutes and take care of business. It’s just like when you were getting potty
trained; you go even if you don’t feel like it because in two hours you are
going to have a bladder the size of a grapefruit and no way to take care of the
situation because you DO NOT WAKE A NEWBORN FROM THEIR SLUMBER! And, you told
your wife that she could nap. And you don’t wake Mama bear from a promised naptime.
That could get you killed.
Get a beverage and snack ready and
within arms reach. Having an eight-pound mini-you resting snuggly on your chest
leads to munchies like you wouldn’t believe.
Get a book or ready your favorite
binge-worthy show, because it’s going to be a four-hour ride of nothing but
watching that little one snooze away. I got through all of the Song of Ice and Fire books (That’s the
series Game of Thrones is based on).
It was wonderful.
They Can’t Do As Much As You Think…
Seriously…a
newborn is about as active as a towel. Yeah, they smile, make noise, fart like
an endless whoopee-cushion, spit-up, eat, and poop, but that is really the
extent of their abilities. They’re like a Magikarp from Pokemon. They only got
one move right now, but later on they turn into that super sweet something that
you thought they were going to be right out of the gate. Newborns have the
given ability I like to call, “lay,” where they just lay where you put them and
don’t do anything else. You get to have fun with that for about a year as you
wonder, “I though they could do more?”
I remember
thinking that I’d be able to kick a soccer ball around, play catch, make funny
faces to make my minion laugh, and throw her high into the air when she was
born. Not so! Muscle coordination is not a strong suit. Newborns are just
getting their vision adjusted to a world with light. And they can’t hold their
head up because, you know, the whole muscle thing.
I promise
you it get’s way better around 18 months, when walking, moderately coherent
sentences begin emerging, and athletic ability start to pop up. Up until that
point, focus on getting that new little one to roll over to their belly. It’s
basically their only cool move.
Servant! Come Hither!
Even though
you are one-half of the parenting tag team, your time in the ring is limited.
You are a support role. A servant. Not for baby, but for Mommy. You will take
on the role of masseuse, culinary chef, house cleaner, diaper changer, dishwasher,
launderer, pet caretaker, manservant, errand runner, grocery hauler, and
physical therapist for your significant other. And you have no choice because
you lack the working food storage containers on your chest that make you of any
real value to your new minion, but it makes you an indispensable part of your
tag team. Even though you will spend less time with the little one and more
time with your dishes than you would care for. Still important!
Where You Going? Nowhere.
Your guy
friends will wonder if you died after you have a baby just because you are so
busy doing everything to keep the house going that you have damn near no time
to hang out outside of your new family unit. If said guy friends have kids they
will understand. If said guy friends do not have kids, they will have no idea
why you just can’t dump them at grandma’s place and head out for a few hours.
Don’t even
bother trying to explain to those friends why you can’t go anywhere. They have
no sense of responsibility at this point in their lives because they see your
new offspring as being able to feed its self and walk around without issue.
They don’t understand that your nine-pound infant can’t do anything or go
anywhere without direct supervision from you or your significant other. OH,
AND! You don’t want to be the one to tell your wife that you are heading out
with the guys a mere two weeks after she pushed a freaking watermelon through
her vagina! She may have an issue with the fact that you want to leave her
during this time of your lives together. Stay home and help for a minimum
six-weeks. Get a rhythm going. And then let her go have fun first and that
gives you a free pass! See! Smartness!
How Can Such A Little Body Have So Much Poop?
You will be
changing a lot of diapers. Get used to it. Also, get used to the fact that your
new child is housing a bladder that is roughly have their size. I swear to you,
do not let your guard down for a second! New minions will not hesitate to
unload on you even after they have filled their diaper. I was taken by surprise
on numerous occasions by my daughter when she was new to this world.
When you
think they are done, they aren’t. That diaper may be bursting at the seams with
their urine, but they have a second chamber that typically fires after the
first is emptied. Or you totally misread the first salvo, and you think they’re
done when in reality they just had to warm-up their little bodies first, and
now the real game begins. You have no diaper on your minion and they are in
full release mode and won’t stop. This is, what we call, parenting.
I Smell Like A Dumpster and My Teeth Are Fuzzy
Honestly, personal
hygiene goes out the window because you have so much more going. There are days
you can’t remember if you showered or not because your daily activities from
the past five days bleed together in one gigantic blur. As long as you brush
your teeth and slap on some deodorant when the sun come up, you will be good to
go. You can shower every three days or so, I think the French do that normally
and they’re considered to be the most romantic and attractive people on the
planet!
It’s Sleepy Time
Yeah, it’s
true; you won’t be getting much sleep when you bring that bouncy baby back
home. With the feeding schedule that is not based on your schedule, you will be
getting up every few hours to pump that new minion full of nutrients. Well, not
you as a new father, but you get to watch the breastfeeding process in all its
glory. Which will pique your interest for about a minute after the first time
you see it happen because you remember the days when those things your little
one is taking nutrients from were used for a different purpose.
If you are
bottle feeding, congratulation! You have now volunteered yourself to
participate in the wonder that is nighttime feedings! I have no experience in
this, but good job, because now you both will be arguing about whose turn it is
to get up and get the bottle ready. You are going to get less sleep than I did.
Lucky dog.
It’s Sexy Time
You won’t
be getting much of the lovin’ either when you bring that bouncy baby back home.
Nothing more to say here, take care of it yourself.
Hopefully
that gives you a brief overview of what to expect as a new father in the
wonderful realm we call; being a parent. The first year is just you getting
your footings. After that, it’s all about entertainment and controlling the
tantrums, which is the fun part! Good luck out there! And congratulations, new
Dad!
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