So I have been asked by a few people (you know who you are!) to do a little thing on Michele Bachmann, who happens to be my Representative in Minnesota’s 6th district, calling it quits. I light of her departure, I will look back at some of her better moments since she burst into the national spotlight in 2007.
I don’t know Michele Bachmann personally nor have I ever met her. It is very possible that outside of the political spotlight that she is a good and decent human being, anyone who raises 23 foster children along with four of her own must have some good in them. And she must be at least moderately intelligent because she was a tax attorney for the I.R.S. But the politician Michele Bachmann is, in my own personal view, an ignorant, self-serving attention seeking bigot who thinks fact are those little annoying things that the “liberal media” simply creates to make her look like an idiot, which she does just fine on her own without the medias help.
So let us begin the fun journey Rep. Bachmann has taken us on during her time in Congress…
August 16, 2011 – Happy Death Elvis!
During a campaign stop in South Carolina for her Presidential bid, Rep. Bachmann came out on stage to and Elvis song and told the crowd, “Before we get started, let’s all say ‘Happy Birthday’ to Elvis Presley today.” Unfortunately, Elvis was born on January 8th, his death was on August 16th. I can understand this one. Hell, I could have made this mistake! But you should be able to check those facts…Wikipedia would have worked just fine.
September 13, 2011 – Vaccines = Mental Retardation
I’ll just let Rep. Bachmann take this one to start –
“There's a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that vaccine. She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result of that vaccine. There are very dangerous consequences. It's not good enough to take, quote, 'a mulligan' where you want a do-over, not when you have little children's lives at risk.”
It’s not enough that she said that the HPV vaccine leads to mental retardation (she never retracted the statement, but continued to say that a mother came up to her and told her this and that people can draw their own conclusions), but she never even looked at the research done on the HPV vaccine, which is easily accessible, not a difficult read and there is a lot of research…I mean A LOT. Just Google it.
Once this statement was made, the American Academy of Pediatrics (with 60,000 PEIDATRICIANS!) came out with a statement that said all the research done has shown no connection between mental retardation and HPV vaccines. NONE! Not one case! There have been other side effects, but no retardation. In fact, there has actually been a monetary reward posted by a group of skeptics if the victim comes forward. And guess what…No mother has come forward to present their affected child.
Bachmann did try to present herself as evidence that vaccines lead to mental retardation to the group. But they just gave her a candy bar and sent her back to D.C. Bachmann thought the candy bar was the actual prize, and was thrilled.
April 28, 2009 – Swine Flu is caused by Democrats
“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
Where, oh where, to begin. First, the last swine flu outbreak was in February 1976 under Republican President Gerald Ford. Another great example of those pesky facts that seem to elude Rep. Bachmann. Second, the simple fact that Michele Bachmann makes the connection that the outbreak of a disease is related to the political party affiliation of the President is nucking futs. Third, it is not an interesting coincidence, it is a conspiracy theory that makes me want to know what you are smoking, because I bet you can see sounds within five minutes of inhaling.
January 21, 2011 – Slavery? Not in my History!
Sooooo…When Michele Bachmann was on her Presidential campaign she said this wonderful jewel.
“[W]e also know that the very founders that wrote [the Constitution] worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”
For being a Tea Party darling, she knows jack shit about history. How can you become an elected official in our country if you believe this! Mrs. Bachmann, the Founding Fathers….basically ALL the Founding Fathers…owned slaves. How the hell do you think they had time back in the 1770’s to write the Constitution? Do you think they were out tilling the fields and during their 15 minute iced tea break they just thought, “Damn! We got to write that Constitution!” NO! They had their slaves working tirelessly in the field while they sat around and figured out how to keep their slaves while also writing “All men are created equal”. The Founding Fathers wanted to keep their slaves, because THAT IS HOW THEY MADE THEIR MONEY! I’m assuming you’re going to tell me that the Founding Fathers worked through the nights for a year to ensure that women were treated as equals? Tis to laugh!
Slavery was “no more” until after the Civil War in 1865. But even then, the Jim Crowe Laws were in effect in the South meaning that African Americans were treated like slaves. African Americans were given second rate, horseshit facilities and treatment under that equally horseshit law. African Americans were not equal until the Civil Rights Act of 1964. I use the term "equal" very loosely since we still suffer from inequality and racism TODAY! Racial profiling, income disparity, education inequality, job discrimination and so much more. The only thing that African Americans do not have to worry about is slavery. I think our Mexican brothers and sisters have taken up that mantle today while picking your goddam strawberries and oranges for ¢0.10 an hour that your housemaid Consuela serves to you for breakfast. I'm talking to Rep. Bachmann here because I imagine her sitting on a sun porch in South Carolina complaining about the humidity to a Spanish speaking servant. Why? Because I can.
So that’s just a taste of what we are losing people. Michele, I will miss you so much. Not because you have been my representative for the past five years. But because you create a beautiful tapestry from your word vomit that you shape and mold to look like you know what you are talking about, when in reality, you are bat shit crazy and could not find a fact even if was taped to your husbands crotchal region. You are an amazing representation of how messed up congress really is. Thank you for stepping down, I would be terrified if you actually knew what you are doing over in D.C. and passed something that actually affected our lives. But, because you are too worried about finding those pesky hidden Muslims in our Government, you haven’t.
Now, please, Mrs. Bachmann, go home! Stay there! Make a physical representation of your fantasy world and then invite Fox News into your home so we can understand what is happening inside your head. My money is that she creates small poop people to inhabit her world using her own fecal matter. Then her actions would all make sense…she believes that we are all her small poop children. Yeah…makes sense now doesn’t it…
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