Guess what children? Kanye is back! Yes, the most egotistical
and self-centered person alive resurfaced again at the Grammys. And what a
re-emergence it was for Kanye; two performances and a near interruption of an
acceptance speech. Oh, I feel that the old Kanye has reared his head once again. No more restraint. No
more laying low from the media. Kanye is ready to speak his mind once again
without filtering his thoughts, or without thinking at all. Somehow, I feel
that all is right in the world.
It Starts With The Wardrobe
Kanye’s
Grammy night started just like any night that us normal people experience. You
know, we get on our deep purple velvet jacket with no shirt underneath. Put on
our best thin-chain gold necklace. Then dress our wife in a gold bathrobe that
zips up six inches from crotch to navel, and is embroidered in such a
way the Liberace himself would have probably passed on it if he saw it. Just
a regular night for a regular guy.
The mind of
Kanye is an impressive maze of smugness and a black hole of selfishness; full
of grandiose fantasies that can become reality due to the ridiculous amount of
money at his disposal. I say this, because when Kim Kardashian was interviewed
about her outfit, she said something to the effect that it was Kanye who had
picked it out a few months earlier for her to wear at some point. I think that's what she said, I tend to tune out when Kim speaks because I feel that
nothing relevant or intelligent has ever come out of the mouth of a Kardashian.
And I have yet to be proven wrong.
It is the
fact that Kanye saw this golden monstrosity that looked like it came directly
from the costume wardrobe of “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair (WOOOOO!) and decided
that it would look good on his wife. I hate to break it to Kanye, but anything
that is cut up to the crotch and down to the naval, should probably be
considered “lingerie” and kept inside the friendly confines of your personal
abode. Plus, the fact that it had to literally be taped to Kim’s ass to keep it
from falling off just shows that the robe was not designed to stay on a human
body for more than five-minutes. It’s considered a showpiece, not formal wear.
Read the damn tags!
The best
part, to me, is that after the Grammys, Kim was trying to run from her car to
the airport, still wearing the dress, with paparazzi flashing away with their
cameras. Kim was holding the robe right at the crotch connection point. Why,
you may ask? Because if she didn’t everything would just fall right out for all
to see. Granted, she’s been revealing a bit much recently, and seems to be
flaunting everything. So I don’t get why she would be shy about showing off
everything now. I thought that was how she got famous in the first place?
Awwwww, someone must be growing up.
My Friend Didn’t Win!
This is
where I have the biggest beef with Yeezus. He cries and bitches and moans when
his friends don’t win another award. Oh no! Some skinny indy rocker won the
golden gramophone statue? Well, better get out of your seat and take the mic so
everyone can understand how you know better than the people who vote on the
awards! This madness shall not stand!
Seriously!
If you look up the definition of “dick move”, there will be a picture of Kanye,
with his about-to-poop face on (which is his normal face, but unlike you and
me, it always looks like Kanye is trying to drop a major deuce all the time. I
can never trust a man that looks like his is in a constant sphincter-clinch
situation). Kanye had no reason, NO REASON WHATSOEVER, to take that moment away
from Beck because he thought Beyoncé should have won. Are you kidding? Kanye
was that butt-hurt about his bestie not winning that he was going to hi-jack
Beck’s single most important recognition he has ever gotten in his long career?
F-you, sit your ass down, and applaud the man who can play 17 different unique
instruments you freaking auto-tune using, tone-deaf, can’t sing but can rhyme
words when I talk, can’t play a single instrument, ego-maniac.
The worst
part of all of this is what Kanye said after the Grammys were over. As reported
by Lesley Messer and Michael Rothman on ABC News on February 9th,
2015, here’s what Kanye said:
"All I know is if
the Grammys want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing
with us. We ain't gonna play with them no more. Beck
needs to respect artistry and he should have given his award to Beyoncé, and at
this point, we tired of it," West said, with his wife Kim Kardashian at
his side.
He continued,
"Because what happens is, when you keep on diminishing art and not
respecting the craft and smacking people in the face after they deliver
monumental feats of music, you're disrespectful to inspiration and we as
musicians have to inspire people who go to work every day and they listen to
that Beyoncé album and they feel like it takes them to another place."
First off,
if you are going to call yourself the “Shakespeare” of our generation, learn
how to use the English language correctly. Second, how are the Grammys playing with
you by giving the award to an actual musician with talent? Just because you
don’t listen to Beck, or even know who he is, doesn’t mean that he’s not a real
artist. I think you, Kanye, need to respect artistry and should give your 21
Grammys to Beck, because at this point, we’re tired of you being an attention
whore. You’re even a bigger one than your wife, and that’s not an easy feat to
pull off. On a side note, did you know Kanye is tied with Jay-Z for 6th all-time in total Grammys won? When the hell did this happen? He's got more than Sir Paul McCartney, Aretha Franklin, and Ray Charles. How is that even possible?!
You want to
know how artistic and inspirational Kanye West is? His performance of his
garbage song was incoherent and confusing. It was his “most personal song” that
he has ever had. It was so personal, that he decided that his voice being
auto-tuned was better than his own voice. It was so personal, that he had the
entire Staples Center go dark, while all lights were focused on him. So
personal, that he never looked up at the audience. I was blown away by all
those “personal” touches that made the performance so moving. Wait…no I wasn’t.
Because I sat there trying to decipher the lyrics Kanye was saying because he
sounded like a robot going through puberty. Way to go hypocrite.
And how the
hell is it diminishing art and disrespectful to your craft if someone else wins
an award? Does Beck not inspire people? Did Beck not deliver a monumental feat
of music? The answer is that Beck does inspire people, and he did deliver a
hell of an album. You know why I know? BECAUSE HE WON THE F’N AWARD THAT SHOWS
THAT HE DOES DIPSHIT! Beck beat out Kanye’s apparent secret crush Beyoncé, the
man of the night Sam Smith, Pharrell, and Ed Sheeran. That’s an impressive
list, and to top that group is a hell of a deal. Too bad Kanye had his head
shoved so far up his own ass that he couldn’t think straight and understand
that it was not his responsibility to get involved in categories that he wasn’t
nominated in. Even if he was nominated, you sit there and applaud and act like
you are happy for the person that won, even though inside you are madder than
hell and are secretly plotting how you are going to have your revenge. Or in
Kanye’s case, sit there and try not to poop yourself. I can’t be the only one
that notices that right? It’s his face…all the time!
Get over
the fact that your friend didn’t win, Kanye. If it was that big of a deal to
Beyonce, she would have done something about it herself. But you know what? I
think Beyonce is smart enough to understand that she won’t win every single
award she’s nominated for, and is quite happy making millions on selling an
awesome album, and playing at sold out shows as she tours the world with Jay-Z.
I think that she’ll survive; I’ve heard that she is a survivor, and she’s going
to make it.
Kanye is just a major dink that
thinks “real” artists and musicians are ones that only he hangs with and knows.
By that way of thinking, Kim Kardashian would be considered a musician in
Kanye’s eyes, and I’m surprised he hasn’t gone on some tirade where he
complains that she didn’t get a Grammy, or MTV award for appearing naked in his
stupid motorcycle music video…where he stares at her with his pooping face.
SERIOUSLY! I cannot get over that!
My Wife Inspires Beyoncé
This little
gem came after the Grammys, and is the main reason I had to take my time
writing this; I knew Kanye wasn’t finished embarrassing himself. And Kanye did
not disappoint. Kanye was on a radio show in New York City (Power 105.1) and
actually said the following statement:
“When Beyoncé was
working on her album, she had pictures of Kim on the wall because Kim
represents powerful women.”
That train
of thought actually went through Kanye’s brain, it was filtered through his
frontal cortex, and he thought that those words were to be released unto the
world for all of us to process. Just let that entire statement sink in for a
moment. Beyoncé, who has done amazing things in the realm of music and
entertainment, sold out countless shows, shared the amazing talent that is her
voice and dancing ability, has pictures of Kim Kardashian to inspire her. I
damn near peed myself when I heard this because I was laughing so hard.
Who in
their right mind would believe for a second that the most successful woman in
music today would take inspiration from a woman who is famous for nothing. Kim
Kardashian has been famous for a sex tape in 2007, dating athletes, being
married to Chris Humphries for about a week, looking pretty, and now being
married to Kanye. SHE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING! Nothing! Not one thing! If she
handed you a resume you would tell her good luck, the McDonalds is down the
street.
It numbs my
mind to comprehend that Kanye believes that his wife represents “powerful
women.” How? She represents women that are able to get what they want because
their family has money. You put Kim Kardashian in a family with no money, and
guess what? She’s stuck in that cycle of poverty and we never hear about her or
see her face. Kanye is so delusional is his interpretation of the world that he
believes, honestly and whole-heartedly, that his wife is an inspiration for
women. There is not one thing that I can think of that would make me want to
have my daughter imitate Kim Kardashian. But who cares, huh? Better take a
selfie together and post it on Instagram to feel like people like you.
The fact that any person can take
Kanye West seriously as a person, let alone as an artist, is beyond me. Kanye
is so full of himself I can’t believe that he was able to fit his gigantic head
through the door of the Staples Center. It’s even more unbelievable because he
had to fit through that same door going in side by side with Kim Kardashian,
and her perfectly shaped inflated ego and gigantic ass…which may or may not be
artificially inflated. Either way, these two should try to keep their thoughts
to themselves and understand that they contribute nothing of value to our
society or culture.
My advice to Kanye is this; get
over yourself and what you think is “right”. Because mostly, you are wrong, or
an idiot, or both. Mostly both. Just sit there and enjoy your millions of
dollars for doing nothing of importance for anyone. If you, or somebody you
know does not win an award, take a breath, count to 10, and think, “Do I need
to say something about this?” The quick answer in a sane mind would be a
resounding “nope!” But you seem to have some problem with attention, and
needing it all the time. So to help you, here is what you need to do Mr. West;
Just smile and applaud. Smile and applaud. And hit up the bathroom before any
and all television appearances. It may help.
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