One Month...Still Alive...

I know it’s been a while, but I have a baby to take care of, and time has been difficult to come by. Especially time where I am not sleeping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, getting pooped on while changing diapers, burping my little minion, putting clothes on her, supporting my wife, and just doing regular new Dad stuff that I am legally obligated to complete. Or so my wife has told me.
My minion is now five weeks old, which is crazy to think about because the last five weeks have been a complete blur and feel waaaaaay longer than five weeks. But I thought it would be time for a little update on what has been happening and what I have learned.

Don’t Get Cocky

My wife and I thought that we had this whole parenting down. For two days at around week four, we believed that we had figured out our little minion’s patterns and were able to read her as easily as a Dr. Seuss book. We got cocky, and we paid for it. Never ever, ever, ever, ever think you have your baby figured out. You never do when they are this young. Because when you think it’s easy, that’s when the kid will poop three times in an hour, be inconsolable for an additional two hours while continuing to wet themselves, and then eat and cry at the same time for another hour.
Just read and react, like a football linebacker. The baby will constantly change, and you need to do your best to change with them. Or simply change them, because 75% of the time they peed or pooped on themselves and are crying because of that. I would cry to if I filled my undies with a massive #2.

Advice Is Nice, Just Don’t Expect Me To Use It…

I understand that I have now entered into a new circle of odd people called parents who are willing to share every single shred of knowledge that they have acquired over their years of parenting. Unfortunately, I don’t really care. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just mean it in the way that means my minion is very different from your mini-you. My minion cries the moment she pees. And I mean THE MOMENT! I do not care that you had a fussy child and you were able to calm them through lighting a bees wax candle at exactly 10 pm every evening while singing the best of ABBA in Spanish for 15 minutes in a Kermit the Frog voice.
My minion does not roll that way. Plus, I am not coherent enough to comprehend what you are saying due to the massive sleep deprivation I am experiencing. So share all the knowledge you want, but my minion is not like yours. Through trial and error my wife and I are learning what works for her and what does not. And don’t get me wrong, I am TOTALLY sharing all my knowledge with the first new parent I see, because they have no idea what they are doing and I need to help them!

My Minion Is An F’n Whoopee Cushion

Did anyone know that babies are just fart machines? No one told me! No book, no nurse, no doctor, and no class ever told me my minion will fart more than a Wisconsinite at a Beer and Cheese festival with free brats and sauerkraut. And my minion has a poop/fart face that makes her look like Jabba the Hutt.
I’ll just be holding her normally and she’ll squirm a bit and then pull her head back and give herself five chins, her eyes get squinty, and she grunts as she pushes out something that sounds like a lumberjack starting a chainsaw with the choke off. My wife has yelled at me because she thought that I was ripping in front of my minion, when the whole time it’s my minion who can’t control her butt-hole. My wife did not believe me until she was feeding our minion and heard and felt first hand the power of our little ones gastrointestinal prowess.
I’m not going to lie, however, and tell you that I think this is gross. My wife and I both think that this superpower that our minion has unlocked within herself is hilarious! She pushes so hard, puts so much effort into it, and gets amazing results that we can’t help but laugh every single time. I’m just amazed to be perfectly honest. But I do hope that this is not the only talent she has when she gets older. This may not be something that people outside of our immediate family may find as amazing. Although it would keep her single for a very long time…

That’s it for now, I have two topics that I have to complete in the next week because I have a few individuals that have requested them and I owe it to them to get their topic out there so they can read it. Those topics will be Sexism (appropriate since I have a new baby girl), and fandoms. You know who you are, I’ll get them out.

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