Seeing as though I am no longer able
to listen to my typical rock/metal radio station here in Minnesota because
apparently that music is “not soothing for a new baby,” I have been listening
to the “Current Music” stations. Apparently, when they say current music, radio
stations mean that they only play the 10 most popular songs on a continuous
loop. Every hour, on the hour, I am hearing the same freaking songs and I am
going insane. I am going to find a way that I can play Metallica, Led Zepplin,
The Doors, Chevelle, Alice in Chains, The Rolling Stones, and Dio at some point
during my early Daddy years.
But until that time happens, I am
stuck listening to what I can only describe as music that is equal to audio
diarrhea. With all this non-intelligent, unemotional, shallow music I am being
exposed to, it was inevitable that one song would be stuck in my head
constantly. That song happens to be Shake
It Off by Taylor Swift, an “artist” who could not decide if she was playing
country or pop music for the better part of her career, when in fact she has
been creating steaming piles of musical shit. Which I think is a genre of music
that tweens listen to and includes (but not limited to): Justin Beiber, Selena
Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Ariana Grande, and Niki Minaj. This is the
genre of music that us individuals in our late 20’s early 30’s listen to and
think, “How is screeching at the top of your lungs about your
ass/sex/relationships/drinking/drugs/clothing music?”
Back to Tay-tay Swiftie-swift. I
absolutely hate this song; mostly because I don’t like Taylor Swift. I think
that her lyrics are shallower than gene pool at the English Royalty family
reunion, she is about as intelligent as my dog, she looks like a rodent, and
the only thing she can ever sing about is ex-boyfriends. Sure, she might be the
biggest entertainer around right now, but she annoys the hell out of me.
I can go on and give you the reasons
for my vitriol for several pages with examples and ranting, but I am going to
do something else. I am going to break down her hit song Shake It Off, and explain why that song summarizes everything about
Taylor Swift that I loathe. I will be breaking down the song as if I am talking
directly to Taylor Swift myself, so enjoy!
I stay out too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say, mmm-mmm
That's what people say, mmm-mmm
First off,
you’re an adult. You don’t need anyone’s permission to stay up past beddie bye
time that your parents set for you when you were eight years old. Get over it.
Second, I’m sure you have something in your brain, you can play three chords on
your guitar, so there’s some hamster running the wheel up there between your
squinty eyes. Finally, yes, people say things. That’s how they communicate,
through the magic of speaking. It’s not always about you though, so get off
your high horse, you’re not that important. This verse should have never been
written.
I go on too many dates [chuckle]
But I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say, mmm-mmm
That's what people say, mmm-mmm
You do! You do
go on too many dates! That’s the thing about you! All you do is date! You break
up with some guy and then the next week you come out with your new hit album,
“Men Are Dicks,” every girl under the age of 14 buys it, you make millions of
dollars, and then you simply repeat the process! What drives me crazy is the
fact that you lack the mental capacity to recognize the common factor in all your
break-ups is YOU! You are the common thread through all your “bad”
relationships.
Ms. Swift, to
me, you seem like the type of person who would cut off their pinky toe and
present it as a birthday gift to your current boyfriend explaining that it
touched a clump of his hair in the shower and because of that, it is a sacred
artifact of your love and he should have it as a token of your devotion. I get
that vibe from you, very Van Gogh. I do know that you are the type of person to
buy the mansion next to the guy you just started dating so you can be closer to
him, or be able to watch his every move with your telescope from your balcony
which you would say is your observatory, and I would call your observatory of
obsession. I’m assuming the guys get that vibe too because they get the hell
out after a few months of being with you. So, no, Ms. Swift, you can’t make
them stay. And because you go through boyfriends like my little minion goes
through diapers; people are going to notice when you have some new man candy on
your arm and they are going to talk about it…a lot. But, your love life seems
to be paying dividends, so I don’t really understand why you are complaining.
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."
Sure, if you
say so. But you just did a lot of complaining about some aspects of your life
that people notice. I don’t believe this one bit. I’m sure you are not getting
up every morning, making a cup of coffee, and staring at your reflection in the
mirror of your bathroom going “It’s gonna be alright,” while you try to drink
said coffee with trembling hands. I’m fairly certain that you get up and bathe
in $100 dollar bills while you can’t believe little girls buy the same
repackaged songs on a different album. Every. Single. Year. It must be so tough
being you…
'Cause the players gonna play, play, play,
play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break,
break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake,
fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Wait, what
players? Are you getting played? Do you know someone who is getting played? Or
just in general because you know that slang term is “hip with the young ones”
even though you don’t know what it is. I think you’re actually the player you
are talking about here. If you don’t believe me, just Google search your past
relationship history.
Haters I can
see. I’m hating on you right now. But I still don’t think you know what actual
“haters” are. Again, you’re just using words because they sound cool.
You’re not
shaking anything off. You just went on a two-verse rant of what bothers you.
You’re not letting go of these things and you have two more verses plus a
bridge that clearly shows that what “people are saying” bugs the hell out of
you.
Heart-breakers
gonna break and fakers gonna fake, huh? Alright, granted, you have dated more
people than the total population of my hometown, and have probably been hurt
from one of these break ups. I’m also fairly sure you have met your fair share
of “fakers” as well. It just seems like you are making these terms up though so
it can go with the first half of this verse. Plus, you seem to fit these
categories more so than the other people you are talking about. I know you are
just a giant singing mouse you faker.
I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
That's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
Oh no, we see
it. I just think you don’t see that you are none of those things just
mentioned. Case in point, when Kanye came up all drunk at the MTV Music Awards
a few years back and interrupted your acceptance speech for best video or
whatever pointless Moonman MTV gave you, you TOTALLY MISSED A BEAT AND STOOD
THERE LIKE A CHILD WHO JUST GOT THEIR MILK TAKEN FROM THEM AT LUNCH! You had no
come back, no witty remark, you took no action to put Kanye in his place. That
is not an example of lightning on your feet. That is more like you having the
brain reaction time of a snail running the mile. Veeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyy
sssssssslllllllllooooooooowwwwwwwww.
I'm dancing on my own (dancing on my own)
I make the moves up as I go (moves up as I go)
And that's what they don't know, mmm-mmm
That's what they don't know, mmm-mmm
We do know,
because every five minutes during any awards show for the past five years the
camera pans to you for your stupid white girl dancing which looks like a
geriatric having a seizure. It is obvious to everyone that you make your moves
up as you go. There’s no mystery, we’re not blind. And it should not be a point
of pride for you. In fact, it’s something you should probably never mention in
public again.
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop grooving
It's like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, "It's gonna be alright."
Fourteen-year-olds eat this shit up.
'Cause the players gonna play, play, play,
play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break,
break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake,
fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off
Do you realize how many words are
repeated in the chorus? There are only 18 unique words used, but a total of 104
words in the chorus. The ratio of unique words to total number of words is 1:5.
That is borderline infantile gibberish. What a deep and meaningful chorus you
have created here! Do you also stay inside the lines of your Frozen themed
coloring book? You must have had trouble with Olaf, since he only needs four
colors.
Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you've been getting down and
out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world,
You could've been getting down to this sick
beat
My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She's like "Oh, my god!" but I'm just
gonna shake.
And to the fella over there with the hella good
hair
Won't you come on over, baby? We can shake,
shake, shake
Where…OH WHERE to begin in this
lovely segment of music writing. This is the spoken part of the song, which
makes it very odd when you try to sound like what I can only assume would be
some attempt at tough, or hip, or socially inept. But it comes off as
completely awkward; similar to watching you walk around in high heels while
performing (Don’t judge, she was on the Voice and I was forced to watch her
performance).
And I’m not “getting down and out
about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the world,” thank you. Because I
don’t care about them. Now, do 10 – 16 year old girls get down and out because
they just broke up with their boyfriend of two weeks? Oh, for sure! So I can see
how your demographic can relate to this. Furthermore! YOU DO NOT HAVE A SICK
BEAT! Don’t ever use that term again! You didn’t “drop it like it is hot,” nor
did you have any semblance of “sickness” in your beat. Just stop.
BUT YOU CAN’T STOP CAN YOU! What the
hell are you doing with your ex-man and his new girlfriend? What! How obsessive
are you! And what does “She’s like “Oh, my god!”” mean? Is she meeting you? (If
so, that phrase makes you a narcissist) Is she stupid? (Which would mean you
two would get along great) Is she really hot? (In which case you would probably
go cry in a corner and write a song about it, wait, you did that) I don’t get
the line. Someone help me out here because my brain just shut down trying to
figure out this conundrum.
Then we have the “fella over there
with the hella good hair.” HEY! I think we just figured out your dating
problems! Apparently, hair hygiene and styling is your basis for picking a
mate. Well, my goodness! This answers a lot of long standing questions. I hope
you now realize that hair appearance is not the greatest indicator of
personality, morals, humor, kindness, or intelligence for a man. So now,
Tay-Tay, maybe you should talk to men before you jump the gun and try to
“shake” with them the second after you notice their pompadour hairstyle. And
bravo and the double meaning with “shake” now meaning grinding genitals
together on the dance floor (or sex later on) instead of…you know…ignoring
criticisms. Very well played.
Yeah ohhh
'Cause the players gonna play, play, play,
play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate (haters gonna hate)
I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake,
shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart-breakers gonna break, break, break,
break, break (mmmm)
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake,
fake (and fake, and fake, and fake)
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off
Shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off
Shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off (you've
got to),
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off,
I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off
Again with the gratuitous amount of
repetition of the same words over and over again. Unlike before, however, we
get an additional 111 words being used (not including the brackets), which
brings the total to 215 words used. That doubles the previous ratio of unique
words to words said; right around 1 new word for every 10 words repeated. And
it’s the end of the song! You couldn’t find some other unique way to finish it
so instead you just repeated the shittiest part of your chorus three times
because the creative side of your brain decided that doing that would be
“unique” and “different”? You. Are. An. Idiot.
I am sure that you are a very nice
person, Ms. Swift. But, wow! The shallowness of your songs rival that of what I
sing to my minion so she can understand what colors are. Very basic. Very
juvenile. Very easy to create. Very boring in my opinion. What sucks more is
that they are damn catchy. So if you want fame and awards, keep on doing what
your doing. If you want to be taken as a serious musician and songwriter…just
kidding…I know that will never happen. Just keep creating lyrics and rhythms
any five year old can make. The children that you call your fans just love it.
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