So what do you call a group of
people that dedicate their free time to basically worshipping a specific
figure, group, or show? It’s not a cult. It’s not a religion (although it could
be argued for some). It’s a fandom. If you have no idea what a fandom is, well
buckle up my friend! You’re about to learn what the world has come too! There
are a few fandoms that I am a part of for either better or for worse, and a few
that I know of that I wish would be eliminated permanently. So let us take a
journey into a very scary realm.
Directioners – The tweenage horde of One Direction followers
They scare
me. Seriously. I have never seen a following so rabid as the 10 – 15 year old
girls who find the boys of One Direction to be the personification of what a
man should be. There is screaming. There is grabbing. There are barricades
being broken. And I’m fairly sure there have been training bras thrown on
stage.
I
understand they have insanely good hair. Like, every single boy in One
Direction looks like a vampire from Twilight. I would assume that is why the
young ones are screaming for them. They want to know their secret to the
perfect look. Now I want to know…Damn it! Their power is growing over me…
Trekkies – The nerds of Star Trek that started it all
This is the
original fandom. Starting in 1966, Star Trek was only on television for three
seasons and for a total of 79 episodes. But the lasting impact on our pop
culture has been huge. Movies, countless spin-off series, reboots, games, toys,
random merchandise, conventions and the freakin’ Klingon language are all part
of the lasting influence that Star Trek has had on us.
We all know
someone who is just consumed by this fandom. My Dad is a Trekkie (not a full-on
crazy Trekkie, but he watched the original series in the 60s and we spent
countless nights when I was a kid watching “The Next Generation” series), and
introduced me to the universe of Star Trek. Plus, this fandom has been the
target of bullies since 1966, and I am not one to rip on a group that I respect.
I salute you my fellow Trekkies for staying strong in the face of adversity.
Live long and prosper! And Vulcan death grip the next poor soul that makes fun
of Trekkies. And, yes, I realize that the Vulcan death grip is not real and
that it is only a Vulcan nerve…pinch…that Spock…I’ve said too much…
Star Wars Fan – The fandom of Star Wars too lazy to create a
cool name
ME! This is
totally me! I would like to thank my lovely father for this one as well. We
used to rent the original Star Wars movies when I was a kid. My favorite was The Empire Strikes Back because of the
giant AT-AT walkers that the Empire used on Hoth to fight the Rebels. DUDE! You
cannot tell me that isn’t an awesome scene!
Besides me,
however, the Star Wars faithful are some of the most die-hard I have ever met.
For the new movies that came out in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, they had
freaking marches of Empire Storm Troopers escorting a contingent of the red clad
Emperor’s Royal Guard, who were protecting Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine in
front of theater. And there was only one Darth Vader and one Emperor in the
procession. Think about that! They organized a military style march in which
they were able to select one person to dress as the most iconic character of
the Star Wars universe, and one other person to dress as the Emperor, and no
extra Vader or Emperor dresser-uppers jumped out of the crowd to march with
them, and no one stopped them from marching AN ENTIRE BATTALION OF NERDS TO A
MOVIE OPENING. That is a whole level of dedication I can’t even begin to
imagine.
I know here in Minnesota there is a
group of Star Wars fans that dress up as their favorite characters and meet in
public places where they can be seen by other people. These people wear their
love for this franchise on their bodies. And their heads. And go out in public.
In full costume. On days not associated with costume wearing. The size of the
balls on these men and women must be uncomfortably large. Hats off to you my
Star Wars Fan brothers and sisters. Just one thought, though. Please come up
with a catchy nickname. Even Twilight fans have one, and you’re WAY better than
those losers.
Twihards – The unfortunate spawn of the Twilight books and
movies
I’ll admit,
I have read all the books and seen all the movies in the Twilight series. The
only reason why, however, is because I was making fun of it for so long that my
wife got mad and said I could only make fun of it if I read the series. So I
read all four Twilight books in a week to make her happy, and allow myself the
opportunity to make fun of sparkly “vampires,” and it was the worst decision I
have ever made in my entire life. Now I am associated by my mere action of
reading all the books and seeing all the movies to possibly the worst fandom in
history.
These
“fans” of “vampires” and “werewolves” are just dumb. The entire series is about
how important having a boyfriend is, especially one that is stalking you and
needs to control himself from killing you every time he sees/smells/touches
you. And if said boyfriend breaks up with you, the only way to feel better is
to cry for months, jump off cliffs, and hurt yourself so you can prove your
“love” for him. And then, there’s the other guy who is in the friend zone, but
he doesn’t know why he’s there! He’s all muscled up, tan, and warm blooded just
waiting for you to come home so he can make you a cup of hot cocoa and curl up
in your lap like the good boy that he is.
This isn’t
a fandom, it a cult. A cult of young girls who think that their man is going to
go all 18th century on them and try to woo them with chivalry.
Chivalry is dead. So is Edward. Bella is barley 18 when her and Edward do the
it (which Stephanie Meyer does not write about by the way, which is stupid. If
they are married and love each other, give some deets! I want to know how it
was!) and Edward is around 119. And following U.S. law, I’m pretty sure that is
statutory rape and now Edward is a sex offender. Boom! Suck it Twihards! I’m
“Team Guy Who Almost Killed Bella With His Van”! That would have made for a
better plot than teen angst and movies filled with mouth-breathing.
Potterheads – The Oh-So-Awesome Harry Potter Fandom…Of
AWESOME!
Now we’re
talking! Potterheads are where it is at! I grew up right at the time when J.K.
Rowling was writing the books. And I loved them! And the movies! Hells to the
yeahs! We got death, destruction, revenge, getting out of the friend zone,
zombies, giants, giant spiders, magic, black magic, British accents, wands,
wizards, actual character development, real werewolves, and just plain awesome.
I’m a little biased on this one, as I am currently planning a trip to Universal
Studios in Orlando, Florida with my wife so we can go see the Wizarding World
of Harry Potter and buy my own wand.
Potterheads
are just as bad as the Star Wars Fans, except younger and not as good at
organizing. But, despite that, they dress up as their favorite characters or as
members of their favorite Houses (I’m a Ravenclaw FYI) for book and movie
premiers. I’m sure there will be Harry Potter conventions at some point in the
future, just like Star Trek. Give this group a little time and they will be on
par with the older, more seasoned groups in this list. I believe in me…I mean
them.
Beliebers – Followers of that chick from Canada
Just no! Go
away, the adults are trying to have a conversation here.
Ringers – Hobbit/Lord of the Rings followers
This is the
nerdiest group on the list. There is so much back-story, lore, character
background, and fantasy languages that even I couldn’t follow it. And I’ve
tried on multiple occasions to read that Nerd Bible by Tolkien, but I kept
falling asleep. I am going to start The
Hobbit after I see the third movie, but the LotR trifecta of nerdom is the
Mount Doom of my life. I’m trying to get there, but it may take me a group of
nine, in which one dies in the process, and a few years to complete.
There are
few fandoms that I respect; the Ringers are one of them. They know so much
about this universe that it is amazing that they are able to function in normal
life without carrying a sword at their hip and chain mail on their persons at
all times. The time it takes to fully understand Tolkien’s world is simply
beyond me. I don’t know how they do it, but they find a way to make it work.
Stephen Colbert is the ultimate, grand master Ringer. And his knowledge is
beyond impressive on the Hobbit/LotR universe. He may be the greatest nerd that
has ever nerded. And he is my hero.
Whovians – Dr. Who’s personal guard
I’m just
now getting into Dr. Who. My Dad used to watch the older ones (You may notice a
pattern here with my Dad), and I loved the cheesy sci-fi classic Dr. Who shows.
But the new ones are just awesome! It’s still that wonderful not-too-serious
sci-fi British show vibe, mixed with the right amount of humor and action to be
binge worthy on Netflix.
The worst a
Whovian will do is put on a trench coat, wear a bow-tie, and doodle a
T.A.R.D.I.S. on paper and carry it around with them making a pulsing sound as
they go from place to place. These are the new nerds of the world and I love
it. We need people like this! People who think history, science, space/time
travel, and overly acted sci-fi shows are great can accomplish great things! I
have never met a Whovian I didn’t like, and I feel as if they have the same
interests as me. Yes, I’m a nerd. I understand. But the Doctor goes around in a
police box that can travel through time and space. TIME AND SPACE! Bad Wolf!
Sherlockians/Cumberbitches – The sidekicks of Sherlock and
Benedict Cumberbatch
These are the
fans of the REAL Sherlock show that
airs on the BBC. Not that Elementary
shit show that airs here in the States. Obsessed would be an understatement for
my fondness for my favorite show of all time, ever in history. And that
obsession in no small part is aided by one man so British, that his name is
more British than all of Great Britain: Benedict Cumberbatch. You could not
think of a more British name than that, and if you haven’t seen him, Benedict
Cumberbatch looks just how you think a man of that name would look.
I am part
of this fandom, both of them. The show is magical to say the least. Benedict
Cumberbatch (you have to use his full name when you mention him or else little
British gremlins sneak around your cupboards at night and steal your tea. And
I’m a man who loves his tea. I drink Earl Grey. I’m 25% English, don’t judge.)
is an amazing individual who plays Sherlock to perfection. And Martin Freeman
is smashingly good as Dr. Watson. You can’t watch a better show on the telly
right now. The writing is ridiculously smart, the stories are great, the
characters are just…wow, and Benedict Cumberbatch will put you under his
high-cheek bone spell and make you his new Cumberbitch. Seriously. Go watch it.
Give in to your new desire to become a new Sherlockian and Cumberbitch. Or
maybe just a Cumberbitch. Man that is a sweet name!
That’s all
of the ones I wanted to cover. There’s way more out there that I wanted to hit,
so maybe there will be a round two for fandoms.
Also, on a sidenote, I have had conversations with a few
of my “fans” and they have determined that if I were to have a fandom, they
would be called “Sworskians.” Which I like. Not as cool as Cumberbitches, but I’ll
take what I can get.
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