The Donald
is now the official Republican nominee. Congratulations Republicans! You must
be so proud…or now wondering what in the hell is wrong with your party and
checking your passport to make sure it’s valid just in case you need to make a
one-way trip to Vancouver. Be ready to start defending this mistake for a while
because Trump is worse than that pit bull with lipstick you thawed out from
Alaska.
Just to be
clear, I have nothing against Republicans or conservatives at all. I honestly
believe that we need at least two sides (I would prefer a three party system,
but that won’t happen any time soon) to bring perspective and experience to
problems that we need to solve as a country. I must say, however, having Trump
as the standard bearer for the GOP is very concerning, but not surprising given
what the GOP has been rousing up the past eight years.
We have hit
a moment in the American experience that has brought together a triple threat
of unrest; frustration with the least productive Congress in history (I tend to
blame Republicans for that one as they came into power saying they will do
anything to stop Obama), having a party in power for eight years has the other
side trying to restore their country to the former glory of the Bush years, and
citizens feeling that the politicians they have elected into office are more
concerned with themselves or the party line than they are with helping the
American people. When you mix this witch’s brew you get an angry and energized
Republican base that has found their perfect candidate outside of the
establishment.
They found
someone who speaks from the hip. Not in a Sarah Palin “I read all of the magazines
for my news” kind of way, but more of a “Mexicans are rapists and murderers”
kind of way. The right way to speak to the American public! They found someone
who has no political background, no filter, and no problem offending every
group in our country except white people. They found the guy who is not afraid
to call out people how he sees them. Jeb Bush was “low energy”, Marco Rubio was
“little”, Hillary Clinton is “crooked”, his daughter is “hot” and he is on
record saying that he would date her if she weren’t his daughter. Donald Trump
is exactly what the Republicans have been praying for. Or praying to avoid, I
can’t tell the difference at this point.
It’s Gonna Be HUUUUUGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!
I never
thought that in my lifetime I would see Presidential candidates sink to the
level of middle school children. This happened on multiple occasions with the
school yard bully Trump launching verbal fisticuffs at some of his GOP rivals
during the primary season. More specifically, with Marco Rubio.
At one of his rallies, Rubio sank
to Trump’s level and said to the crowd that Trump has small hands and
continued:
“And you
know what they say about guys with small hands?”
*Pause for
uncomfortable laughter as supporters finish penis joke in their head*
“You can’t
trust them.”
OH! For
real Rubio! A penis joke during a political campaign! Things must be going
really well for that one to make it from your brain cavity out through your
speaking orifice. Or it’s the last gasp of a dying campaign that has no idea
how to save itself. Since Rubio’s campaign went down in flames, we know why he
resorted to penis humor. Actually I still don’t know why it went that direction
because people don’t really handle dick jokes very well.
Trump
responded in kind during a nationally televised debate, which seemed to be more
of a Bachelorette Tell All episode than a Presidential debate. Trump’s
response?
“And he
referred to my hands if they are small, something else must be small. I
guarantee you there is no problem. I guarantee you.”
Besides the
shiver down your spine thinking of the Donald’s…self described not small
genitals, it strikes me as odd that this would even be brought up. Don’t we
have things happening in our country that may require us as citizens to know
your plan? How will you improve upon the new health insurance legislation? Or
destroy it and replace it with whatever you think is better? What about our
returning Veterans? Taxes? Education? Cake or pie? The real issues!
Nope! All
of those pale in comparison with the comment made by the Senator from Florida
about the size of Donald Trumps penis. Because isn’t a political debate between
men just one huge “who has a bigger penis” contest? To Trump, it is. And it
goddamn worked! He got a boost in the polls and Rubio was out of the race!
That’s been
the whole problem I’ve had with this. Trump fires these massive character attacks
on his rivals and they stick. Bush, Cruz, and Rubio all tried to fight the
master in his own pool of filth and were sucked down to the bottom and drowned
in the their own insults, which would be the shit in the filth pool for this
metaphor. Because you cannot fire a broadside salvo against Trump, because he
has the biggest boat in the ocean with the biggest guns, the biggest bullets,
and the biggest masts you’ve ever seen. HHHHHUUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEEE!
Yes I realize that all of the above
statements are simply a way for me to get you to think about Trump and his massive package using naval ship lingo. Your welcome.
Welcome to the Show!
Donald
Trump is immune to all this not because he has the thickest skin, not because
he has the quickest wit, and not because he is the most informed. It’s because
he’s played this game before. Look at how many years he has been practicing
this form of entertainment on his reality show. Since 2004, Trump has been
perfecting his craft of entertaining the masses. He knows what people want to
see, he knows what they want to hear, he knows how to keep the attention on him
or his product, and he knows how to get rid of the contestants people are tired
of seeing.
Republicans
basically gave Trump a free television show where he is the hottest commodity
and did nothing to stop it. Trump burnt them good, too. He was carving up the
red meat left and right and was not afraid to give the people what they wanted.
Mexicans?
Trump reassured the masses that Mexico was sending over it’s rapists and
murderers across the border and he’s going to build a wall and make Mexico
build it and pay for it! The people
ate it up and yelled for more! OM NOM NOM!
Sarah
Palin? He found her hunting wolves with a knife in Ketchikan and she took a
reprieve from that to endorse him with all her ramblings and ravings. The
people wanted more!
Chris
Christie? Trump took him hostage Mafia style, and, from what it looked like,
forced Christie to endorse him to show that he can use strong-arm tactics against
his rivals to get what he wants. That, or Christie is a bigger two-faced ass
than I thought and wanted to get in with the winning side like he’s a lesser
house in the Game of Thrones aligning with the Lannisters because they control
the Iron Throne. “Yes! YES! Give us more!” The people cried out.
Guns? Trump
has a conceal and carry permit and packs heat wherever he goes, he also carries
a gun. “We love guns too!” The people screamed, holding their mini American
flags and waving them vigorously.
ISIS? Trump
says, “I would bomb the shit out of ISIS.” And the people collapsed after
shaking with ecstasy for months.
It’s just a
production. A show for the masses. A way to get the best ratings. He knows how
to play it all so perfectly that I’m embarrassed to say that I am awe struck at
how effective he has been in his campaign. It’s just a beautiful campaign, just
the best. The best. It’s so beautiful that if it were a woman, it would be a 10
and I would date it. Oh shit…Man, Trump is good…
It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It
This is, by
far, Trump’s greatest strength. He is able to bring us into his world by saying
nothing at all. If you really listen to what he says, and don’t get distracted
by the shiny words and insults he hurls at your ears, you learn something. He
has no idea what the hell he is talking about, but he believes what he says and
is committed to shouting it angrily at all of us.
Trump talks
in circles. Really, really big circles that bring you right back to where you
started, but you feel better about yourself and about Trump because you hear
the magic words; “Great”, “America”, “Strong”, “Take Back”. My God, it’s like
he knows what the frustrated masses want to hear him say.
When you
keep hearing that come out of Trump’s mouth on an endless loop, time stands
still, you lose sight of your goals and aspirations, and all you can think
about is that this very orange man can bring us back to the land that we were promised.
It’s that “Hopey-Changey” stuff we were told about in 2008, but now a rich
white-guy is saying it so it has to be true!
Trump tells
us that he is going give us the best wall, but gives no details as to how he
will do it…wait, I forgot, Mexico will pay for it. Trump says that we will have
the greatest military and he knows the military, even though he has no military
experience at all. Trump says that he uses the best words, which is a weird
thing to brag about. At least say the most “exceptional” words, as that is a
bigger word than “best”. Trump has told us that he loves the poorly educated,
which is fairly obvious since they seem to be making up the majority of his
support.
It’s
beautiful, really, to see this in action because he is able to say all of this
and have no actual plan on how to accomplish any of it. It’s like watching
Picasso paint. You understand he’s painting, but you have no idea how the hell
he’s coming up with his perspective or concept. Except with Picasso the end
result was a revolutionary masterpiece. While in Trump’s case it tends to be
more of a blank canvas that leaves us wondering how in the hell this guy got
famous in the first place.
Trump has been able to describe
this incredible fantasy-land America that will be oozing in greatness. The only
problem is that he never gives us a plan on how he’s going to get us there.
There’s no thought put into how the legislation is going to get passed, no clue
as to where the money is going to come from. Just empty promises of a great
America. Sounds a lot like the politicians that he hates so much.
I get why
so many Americans are backing Trump. He makes everything sound, I don’t know,
doable. I guess. He’s not PC, he’s not a politician, he’s not part of the
establishment, he doesn’t care what people think, and he gives the perception
that he knows what he is talking about. It’s everything that people want to
hear.
That’s just
it, though. Trump knows what people want to hear and he has used that to crush
everything in his way. Trump has taken what is already the circus that is the
Presidential Election, and turned it into an even more crass reality show. Just
like every other reality show out there, there is a huge audience for it, and
we want more. I just hope we come to our senses soon enough to recognize
Trump’s whole charade for what it is; a steaming pile of worthless shit. Worthless, gold spray-painted shit.
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