There comes a time in every parent’s life where you look at your little minion and you just stand and think, “Holy shit, she’s big...when did that happen?” I have caught myself, time and time again, watching as my once immobile, non-verbal, poop-machine is now a very fast, very vocal, more refined poop machine who is damn adorable. All of these little changes start to happen and you forget that less than a year ago she could not move without your assistance as a parental unit.
I didn’t really like the larval stage of my little minion. I mean larval because, as every parent is well aware, bedtime for a newborn includes tightly swaddling them in a little cocoon that makes them wriggle like little human grubs. They can’t do much except eat, poop, move their arms like they are playing maracas for a mariachi band, and poop more. Compared to that, the toddler phase is like watching an Olympic athlete compete in the decathlon. Here’s what I have found out being the parent of a 17-month-old red-headed energizer bunny.
I didn’t really like the larval stage of my little minion. I mean larval because, as every parent is well aware, bedtime for a newborn includes tightly swaddling them in a little cocoon that makes them wriggle like little human grubs. They can’t do much except eat, poop, move their arms like they are playing maracas for a mariachi band, and poop more. Compared to that, the toddler phase is like watching an Olympic athlete compete in the decathlon. Here’s what I have found out being the parent of a 17-month-old red-headed energizer bunny.
The Talking. Oh, The Talking…
It never ends. Ever. She’s always talking to something, or nothing, or herself. It’s a crazy thing to listen to because she just talks all the time and never stops. The thing is, she’s good at it. She picks up words like a sponge. You can’t understand them all the time, but the cadence and rhythm are there so you are able to pick up what she is saying.
That’s the really freaky thing about experiencing a toddler in your house. You are learning a second language. I never understood how parents could comprehend their toddlers words when they were just gibberish to my younger, childless ears. Living with one for a year-and-a-half, though, I totally get it. You are with them all the time and start to understand what they mean. It’s a really strange process that I am assuming all parents go through. It’s like Rosetta Stone, except you actually want to learn the new language because there is a little person speaking that foreign language living in your house and you want nothing more than to actually communicate with them.
She is also learning English much quicker than my wife or I are learning toddler. If we ask her questions she can answer them. If we ask her if she wants something she can tell us. If we ask her to follow or to go and get something, she can do it. She knows damn near everything we are saying, but I can only pick out the words that she says that sound like words. Which is only about 10% of what she is actually saying. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE IS SAYING! For all I know she is telling me what she wants for dinner through her ramblings, or she figured out something regarding magnetism with her farm animal magnets, but all my fully-formed brain can pick out is “milk” as she is pointing to the fridge. Sometimes I wish I were a toddler so I could understand her, because apparently other kids her age do understand her. If you have not heard two toddlers talk to each other, you should, because it’s scary as hell. They have an actual conversation in which adults have no clue what is going on! Cue creepy Twilight Zone music!
You as a parent also try to compare your child’s verbal skills with your own when you were their age. My daughter can identify and say every single letter of the alphabet, about eight different colors, basic shapes, has her name down, can correctly point to and say the names of her parents (just Mama and Dada, nothing fancy) and both sets of grandparents, knows her farm animal sounds, and can count to two. For comparison, I did not talk until I was around 24-months. Huh. You know what, I don’t think we need to compare father to daughter after all.
It never ends. Ever. She’s always talking to something, or nothing, or herself. It’s a crazy thing to listen to because she just talks all the time and never stops. The thing is, she’s good at it. She picks up words like a sponge. You can’t understand them all the time, but the cadence and rhythm are there so you are able to pick up what she is saying.
That’s the really freaky thing about experiencing a toddler in your house. You are learning a second language. I never understood how parents could comprehend their toddlers words when they were just gibberish to my younger, childless ears. Living with one for a year-and-a-half, though, I totally get it. You are with them all the time and start to understand what they mean. It’s a really strange process that I am assuming all parents go through. It’s like Rosetta Stone, except you actually want to learn the new language because there is a little person speaking that foreign language living in your house and you want nothing more than to actually communicate with them.
She is also learning English much quicker than my wife or I are learning toddler. If we ask her questions she can answer them. If we ask her if she wants something she can tell us. If we ask her to follow or to go and get something, she can do it. She knows damn near everything we are saying, but I can only pick out the words that she says that sound like words. Which is only about 10% of what she is actually saying. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE IS SAYING! For all I know she is telling me what she wants for dinner through her ramblings, or she figured out something regarding magnetism with her farm animal magnets, but all my fully-formed brain can pick out is “milk” as she is pointing to the fridge. Sometimes I wish I were a toddler so I could understand her, because apparently other kids her age do understand her. If you have not heard two toddlers talk to each other, you should, because it’s scary as hell. They have an actual conversation in which adults have no clue what is going on! Cue creepy Twilight Zone music!
You as a parent also try to compare your child’s verbal skills with your own when you were their age. My daughter can identify and say every single letter of the alphabet, about eight different colors, basic shapes, has her name down, can correctly point to and say the names of her parents (just Mama and Dada, nothing fancy) and both sets of grandparents, knows her farm animal sounds, and can count to two. For comparison, I did not talk until I was around 24-months. Huh. You know what, I don’t think we need to compare father to daughter after all.
Don’t Take Your Eyes Off Of Her!
From the ages of 0 - 12 months, I got used to the idea that my minion could barely move. You put her down on her back to play with her little toys, you go a wash some dishes, she still is lying down in the same position you left her, you cook dinner, she’s still on her back having a great time. No problems. She may have rotated positions, but she is in the same relative space where I had first left her. I have forgotten how nice that was. To not have to worry about the Houdini disappearing act that my minion can perform at the drop of a hat now that she is 17-months.
This is all because she is walking like a champ. Albeit it looks like she would fail a sobriety test, and has fallen several times from attempting to walk in a straight-ish line. Despite her few falls, she’s still fairly stable and surprisingly quick. It’s that quickness and speed she has that blows my mind. I’ll put her down, turn around to grab a toy or a snack for her, and, poof! She up and left! She’s covered 50 feet in under five seconds and is working her way up the stairs. How is that physically possible! It’s also the one time that she produces no sounds from her awkward steps or her tiny voice. It’s like she knows it’s her one opportunity make an escape. Where she think’s she going I have no idea, but she’s determined to get away from where I am.
From the ages of 0 - 12 months, I got used to the idea that my minion could barely move. You put her down on her back to play with her little toys, you go a wash some dishes, she still is lying down in the same position you left her, you cook dinner, she’s still on her back having a great time. No problems. She may have rotated positions, but she is in the same relative space where I had first left her. I have forgotten how nice that was. To not have to worry about the Houdini disappearing act that my minion can perform at the drop of a hat now that she is 17-months.
This is all because she is walking like a champ. Albeit it looks like she would fail a sobriety test, and has fallen several times from attempting to walk in a straight-ish line. Despite her few falls, she’s still fairly stable and surprisingly quick. It’s that quickness and speed she has that blows my mind. I’ll put her down, turn around to grab a toy or a snack for her, and, poof! She up and left! She’s covered 50 feet in under five seconds and is working her way up the stairs. How is that physically possible! It’s also the one time that she produces no sounds from her awkward steps or her tiny voice. It’s like she knows it’s her one opportunity make an escape. Where she think’s she going I have no idea, but she’s determined to get away from where I am.
From time to time, however, your little one will just be gone, and you have a mini-panic. You know that they are around, but they found a way to evade your parental radar and ninja’d their way out of your range of hearing and sight. You start playing Marco Polo throughout your house trying to isolate the tiny voice squealing with delight at the fact that you are now playing a game instead of doing whatever it was you had planned. Which, for me, tends to be anything with crayons, puzzles, or food. During your impromptu game of hide-and-seek, you start thinking of everything in your house that she could possibly grab and choke on. Even though you have taken care of those little things long ago, you still do a mental checklist as you are calling out to your little one.
“Sweetie?”
Alright, I picked up the little rocks, those weird potpourri flowers are up on the counter, where are my keys? In my pocket. Stop panicking. What about the wood chips I tracked in from outside? They’re cedar chips, I heard the acid can be really bad for babies…
“Where are you?”
What about the buttons? We don’t have any buttons, idiot. Wait, yes we do, her stuffed animals have buttons…and those weird button like eyes that I don’t know the actual term for. Where are her stuffed animals? WHAT IF A BUTTON FELL OF HER LOVIES! OR AN EYE! OH MY GOD WHERE IS SHE!? HER DINOSAURS HAVE VERY TINY EYES!
“DADA!”
“Hi cutie!”
THANK GOD YOUR SAFE! DON’T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN! No pieces of stuffed animals, that’s good. Oh, no...GIVE ME THAT WOOD CHIP YOUR MOM WILL KILL ME IF SHE SEES YOU WITH IT!
It’s a strange duality of being a parent, you’re scared shitless about anything and everything internally but at the same time keeping a happy face and positive attitude on the outside as you chase down your scampering child. Those two sides of your parental brain have arguments with each other in your head all day long, and neither one is right...ever. Most of the time they argue over hypothetical situations that could happen while your child is safely in your arms, or eating at their high-chair, or sleeping, and it just makes you think even more about the hazards your minion will find in your house if they elude your gaze. Thanks brain...and mind...for not working together on this one. You two are the best!
She Still Poops, But Now It’s Adult Size
Yes, it’s poop again! You will be amazed at just how much poop will be apart of your life as a parent. At the 17-month-old mark, however, poop becomes a very different beast. As an infant, poop was a liquid projectile that was neither human nor natural to my brain. You also had to be on your guard for long range attacks, even if you were across the room. It was a scary time. Now, with my little minion as a toddler, poop has personality.
There is a range of colors, textures, shapes, and formations that you find. You are very familiar with these new forms of poop because you as a grown human have encountered many of these same forms of poop in your everyday life. Hopefully on a regular basis. You know what’s healthy, what isn’t, what forms need a little extra cleaning, and what forms are a single wiper. It’s a bonding experience between your baby and yourself, really.
The other part is that poop is a barometer for your minion’s well-being. You turn into part CSI agent, part auto mechanic as you check the subtle nuances of your little ones droppings to ensure that they are in good physical health. Corn, I have found, is a great indicator food because the outer shell doesn’t digest fully and the yellow color makes it easy to find. Pasta, grapes, blueberries and peas are also viable options if you want to add a little variety to your explorations. Plus, if you talk it out to yourself, you could get the attention of your significant other and have a great conversation starter:
Yes, it’s poop again! You will be amazed at just how much poop will be apart of your life as a parent. At the 17-month-old mark, however, poop becomes a very different beast. As an infant, poop was a liquid projectile that was neither human nor natural to my brain. You also had to be on your guard for long range attacks, even if you were across the room. It was a scary time. Now, with my little minion as a toddler, poop has personality.
There is a range of colors, textures, shapes, and formations that you find. You are very familiar with these new forms of poop because you as a grown human have encountered many of these same forms of poop in your everyday life. Hopefully on a regular basis. You know what’s healthy, what isn’t, what forms need a little extra cleaning, and what forms are a single wiper. It’s a bonding experience between your baby and yourself, really.
The other part is that poop is a barometer for your minion’s well-being. You turn into part CSI agent, part auto mechanic as you check the subtle nuances of your little ones droppings to ensure that they are in good physical health. Corn, I have found, is a great indicator food because the outer shell doesn’t digest fully and the yellow color makes it easy to find. Pasta, grapes, blueberries and peas are also viable options if you want to add a little variety to your explorations. Plus, if you talk it out to yourself, you could get the attention of your significant other and have a great conversation starter:
Me: Whoa! Look at that! One large mass comprised of smaller pellets. Solid consistency, good coloration. And it’s looking like we have...what is that now? Corn! We got corn! Alright little one, you had corn when? When did you have corn? Last night! You had chicken and corn! That was at 6 last night, and it is 6 in the morning now. That’s a 12 hour cycle. YUP! We’re good! Everything checks out and is working great! Just wait until tonight when those blueberries show up from breakfast!
Wife: Are you looking at her poop again?
Me: She’s runnin’ great!
Wife: She’s not an car!
And now you get to have an adult conversation! Isn’t parenting fun?
There is nothing in this world that could make me want to change this phase of my daughter's life that I get to be a part of. It is probably the most rewarding phase because she is learning so much and changing so fast. She’s hilarious at this point in her life too. Everything is exciting and new and there is so much wonder in her eyes that it’s hard to want her to grow up. Except for the television shows that are available for her at this stage. I swear to whatever deity I would swear to if I were a religious man, if I have to watch another episode of Thomas and Friends I am going to go out and take every Thomas train set and toy and have a sacrificial bonfire in my backyard that all parents of children five and under will be invited too. Trust me, it would be a gathering in the thousands. Burn in hell you cheeky blue bastard.
Other than that, I am loving being a parent and cannot wait to see what the next few months hold for my little minion. Especially now that winter is coming and we are expected to have record snowfall. Who is ready for snowboarding? This guy and his wife with their helmeted, overly bundled little one in tow on her small snowboard that is nothing more than a small stick of laminated plywood! Oh yeah, I got plans!
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