There has been a trend recently regarding
celebrities and baby names. This is maybe, just maybe, the number one
issue I have with celebrities. Just because you are known throughout the
world for your works of artistic creation, you do not have a free pass to name
your children after fruit, emotions, colors, plants or animals. We know
your creative and artsy, just don’t apply your abilities to children names
which will lead to years of bullying, you trying to explain to the child that
the name was “unique,” thousands of dollars of therapy for the child in their
teens and twenties, and them angry at you for the rest of their lives because
you named them “Blue.” Seriously...Blue?
I think that celebrities are just trying to see how far they can go before
someone tells them, “Did you think about your child’s name, or are you looking
for more attention?” They must be trying to mess with the rest of
us. Maybe it’s a joke that they are all playing on the normal
people. Because I can tell you right now, any child from a regular,
middle class family named Apple is going to have a hellish experience from
grade school through high school. Let's take a gander at some of the best celebrity child names out there today. I’ll start at sane and
work up to bat-shit crazy.
Sean
“P. Diddy” Combs – Justin, Christian, D’Lila, Jessie
From
the guy who I thought would do far out names, P. Diddy comes out and gives his
kids a chance at making friends while they are young and integrating into
society as adults. This is the role model for everyone else on the list.
Nicolas
Cage – Kal-el
Okay,
granted, initially I thought it was stupid, too. Then I remembered my
younger, comic book reading days and realized that this is Superman’s given
name. I have no argument, well played Mr. Cage. Now, please, make
better movies.
Woody
Allen and Mia Farrow – Satchel
Now
we’re talking! Naming your child after a personal accessory that
conveniently carries all personal belonging, check. Ensuring his
childhood years are full of lasting memories that include, but are not limited
to, wedgies, swirlies, daily verbal abuse and jokes about being a purse, double
check. Guaranteeing that your child will change his name as soon as he
moves out of your house, check mate! Satchel changed his name to
Ronan. After dealing with Satchel, he certainly deserved the manliest
name possible.
Nicole
Ritchie – Sparrow James Midnight
A
bird? A bird. You named your child after a bird?
Really? Way to set him up for success. I guess we’ll be seeing him
on reality TV just like mommy. Can’t wait.
Ashlee
Simpson and Pete Wentz – Bronx Mowgli
Bullshit.
Rob
Morrow – Tu Morrow
I
really wish this one was a joke. Why in the world would you, as a caring
parent, do this to your child? If there is one celebrity who is looking
for attention through their child’s name, it would be Rob Morrow. Come to
think of it, who is Rob Morrow?
Gwyneth
Paltrow and Chris Martin – Apple Martin
The
original name that got my attention, and my ire, a few years ago. The
story goes that Martin suggested that they should name their child Apple
because he liked the name. Paltrow thought it was a good idea because the
image of an apple brought her warm fuzzy feelings. I don’t know who to
blame here, Martin for thinking Apple is a good name, or Paltrow for
agreeing. Both should seek counseling and be forced to endure an hour of
people throwing apples at them so they understand an apple is a fruit and not a
person's name. I'm still pissed that no one told them that.
Bono
– Memphis Eve and Elija Bob Patricius Guggi Q
How
narcissistic and pretentious can you be if you’re Bono. Apparently enough
to go by one name, try and save the world, name your daughter like a porn star
and give your son five names that have no coherent order and make him sound
like a sophisticated metrosexual red neck. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
The
Edge – Blue Angel
Beyonce
and Jay-Z – Blue Ivy
This
is a tie. Naming your child after a color is a whole other level of
confidence I will never have. Confidence or arrogance. I’ll go with
arrogance. You just know these two girls will be stuck up terrors who
believe they deserve everything and will think that they are wonderful people
because their parents named them something unique. Either that or they
change their names when they’re eighteen and crush the love of their parents
and throw thousands of dollars into therapy just to deal with the trauma of
having dumb ass parents who thought a color would be fit for a person’s name.
Yeah, that would be better.
Jermaine
and Alejanra Jackson – Jermajesty
I’m
not surprised, are you?
Mariah
Carrey and Nick Cannon – Moroccan Scott and Monroe Cannon
Wow.
First off, Morocco is a country and the people that live there are know as
being Moroccan. Moroccan is a nationality, not a name. The fact
that Carrey and Cannon picked this name because it's Carrey's favorite room in
their house is a testament to their combined intelligence. Not to be out
done, they come up with Monroe Cannon, which is possibly the greatest stripper
name of all time. Think of her introduction when she unveils her
ping-pong ball trick. Don’t sit in the front row! KA-BOOM!
And
the winner:
Jamie
Oliver – Buddy Bear, Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo, Poppy Honey
Holy
shit! When did Candyland become real? Jamie Oliver must collect
unicorns and take pictures of rainbows while smoking peyote in his spare
time. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can justify these
names. You want to talk about family issues when the kids are
older? Watch this tragic comedy unfold. I’m going to get me some
popcorn and watch TMZ every night for about ten years just waiting to hear that
Petal Blossom Rainbow changed her name to Filthy Love Dumpster. How
awesome.
Celebrities, please, either do one of two things. One, name your children
as if they were not the offspring of celebrities. Think about the fact
that your children will have to interact with other children who do not have
famous parents. You know? Normal kids. Do you seriously think
that naming your child Apple, Buddy Bear, Blue or Tu Morrow will help them make
friends and avoid ridicule? If you think yes, you’re an idiot.
Two, if you are going to psychologically damage your child, name them something
so outlandish that people will not know how to react. Personally, I’m
waiting for celebrities to start naming their kids after the medical terminology for body parts. Something like Sacrum
Radius Tibia Phallus Epidermis. I think it has a nice ring to it.
When their normal classmates ask them about their name they can simply reply,
“My parents are famous.” To which their classmates will retort, “Your parents are dumb.” To be honest, I bet most of the celebrity kids with
stupid names are already admitting that their parents are dumb without the help of their classmates.
You know what? Forget the past two suggestions. Just name your
child like you care about them and not about your own obsession with being “unique."
Your children are unique simply by being
themselves. You naming them something from a fairy tale will only hinder
their progress, or make them hate you. I’m hoping the latter happens so you
can realize that your naming choice was as stupid as we, the normal people,
knew it was all along.
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