Ariana
Grande is labeled the “Princess of Pop.” To which I say who ever coined that
phrase should A) Watch any Michael Jackson music video and see what a true pop
artist is, and B) Go kill themselves in the most painful way imaginable. Which
would be being stabbed to death via olive fork. Ariana Grande should be labeled
the “Princess of Untalented Singers Who Somehow Made It Big.” Yes…Yes! Much
more fitting!
Ariana
Grande is like the Taco Bell of popular music right now. Sure, the first time
you experience it, it’s awesome! But then, the next day comes and you are
triple flushing the shit demon that just spewed forth from your bowels, and
swearing to whatever deity you believe in (and a few extras that you know about
for good measure) that you will never do that again. She is that bad. I truly
wish that one of those Victoria Secret models would have hit her with those ungodly
wings and knocked her off the stage so Grande would have bounced her head off
the concrete floor and come down with the most awesome case of amnesia where
she believes she is a sea turtle and starts to slowly crawl to the nearest body
of salt water. That’s just my fantasy, it may never happen, but it puts a smile
on my face when I think about it.
Here’s the
thing about Ariana Grande, she’s good at only five things, and singing is not
one of them. She’s very good at stringing lyrics together in one long run-on
incomprehensible garble of words, sticking her booty out, batting her stupid
fake eyelashes, touching her face with her hands in very awkward ways, and
laying on a bed. How do I know this? Research! I watched ALL available Ariana
Grande music videos and learned that much about her. I also learned why my 8th
grade male students like her so much. It’s amazing how influential hormones can
be when it comes to music selection when you are 13.
Do You Understand The Words Coming Out Of My Mouth?
My number
one gripe about Ariana Grande is her lack of diction and enunciation when she
sings. For the life of me, I cannot tell you the number of times I have had to
replay her songs to figure out what the lyrics actually are. If you think of
music like a piece of art, Ariana Grande’s songs are like a finger painting by
a four-year-old. You still want to recognize the fact that they made something,
but in the back of your mind you’re thinking “I do not want to put something up
on my fridge that looks like an elephant took a dump on construction paper and
someone scraped it off.” Ariana Grande’s music is that giant elephant dump
stained sheet of construction paper that we are all forced to look at.
For her song “Problem”, with Iggy
Azalea, I could not understand the first two verses she sings because the words
all bleed into each other. To give you an example of what I mean, I will write
out what she sings the way I hear it. To minimize the pain, I will only do the
first verse of “Problem” so you don’t start having involuntary eye spasms
trying to decipher the entire song. Ready, here goes:
HeybabyeventhoughIhateya!IwannaloveyaIwantyou!
AndeventhoughIcan’tforgiveyouIreallywanttaIwantyou!
How many times did you have to
go back to read that to make sure you got the words right? Even reading the lyrics, I still don’t
believe that’s what Ariana is actually singing. She could be reading through
some vegan cookbook for all I know because you simply can’t understand what the
hell she is saying.
It’s like Ariana Grande’s mouth is
perpetually open at all times when she is singing, and she lost control of her
tongue, and her teeth are getting in the way of her lips moving to form the
proper words…while she is holding a dozen marbles in her mouth and trying to
drink a refreshing Fresca. It’s just beyond me how people believe she can sing.
How she was able to become a huge act is beyond me…wait, no it’s not! BRING OUT
DA BOOTY!
Look At My Butt! LOOK AT IT!
This is
probably the smartest thing that Ariana Grande has done, and I bet that the
idea of her sticking out her butt in every single music video was given to her
by her manager, who I am assuming is a dude, is old and creepy, and wants to make
a plaster cast of her backside so he can go to sleep every night caressing it.
In all the videos she has done, she is wearing some type of short skirt/hot
pants/tighter than tight apparently painted on pants/something that resembles
underwear. I guess if you don’t take any dance lessons you can simply show off
your butt and you’re considered a pop star. Why didn’t Michael Jackson just do
that? Thriller would have been a
completely different video.
Grande
“sings” over her shoulder with her butt backing up right into the camera, or is
on all fours like a stupid animal, arching her back with her butt either
featured prominently in the center of the frame or out of focus in the
background just to remind all of us that we should be looking at it, and
admiring it. I use the term “sings” very loosely here. Whitney Houston could
sing, Ariana Grande is able to utter sentences in some type of melodic fashion.
And when I say “we” should be looking at her butt, I really mean teenage boys.
It is the
most blatant distraction technique I have ever seen in any music video. You
want an example of how you can become a pop star with absolutely no singing or
dancing talent what so ever, just read from the Ariana Grande playbook. If you
show off your butt enough, people will completely forget about your lackluster
pipes and focus on your backside. I thought this went with a different
profession, but I guess I was wrong. Who knew?
B Is For Batting Eye Lashes
Know what I
hate? When talentless people are able to make millions of dollars off stupid
people because they bat their fake eyelashes at them like a damn wounded deer.
I want to punch my computer screen and/or throw my phone at a wall and hope it
shatters when I am watching Ariana Grande do what she calls “pop music.” While
sticking out her stupid 21 year old butt, and looking over her shoulder while
lip syncing to that audible garbage that she performs, she bats her eyes like a
freaking high school girl who read in Cosmo that boys really like it when you
stare at them and blink a lot. That’s probably where she got the idea,
actually.
I hope that
the glue they use to put on her fake lashes somehow burns through her skin and
she goes blind. Wait, no. That will cause too much sympathy. I just hope she
gets a really bad rash and she is allergic to all types of skin adhesives so
then she can no longer look at us with three-inch lashes. YES! All will be
right in the world! How common are rashes due to eyelash adhesive? I’m hoping
99% common in whatever ethnic group Ariana Grande is part of. I don’t care
enough to find out, and I don’t want to embarrass the other members of that
ethnic group in letting them know that they share something in common with
Ariana Grande.
UPDATE: Just found out…She’s
Italian. It is truly shitting on the Italians recently: Olive Garden, Jersey
Shore, and now Ariana Grande. I wish the Mob was back in the spotlight to give
the Italians some good news.
Neck, Chin, Ears and Hair, Ears and Hair
If batting
her eyes was not enough, Ariana Grande constantly touches her face in odd ways
to distract us, the “listening” audience, from fully appreciating how terrible
she truly is. FYI, by “listening” I actually mean “trapped”, because you can’t
look away from a train wreck in progress can you?
As Grande
sings…any song…her arms and hands instinctively work their way up, palms out
and elbows above hands, from her neck, to her chin, to her ears, and finally
her hair. This is not a one-time deal either. It happens multiple times every video! It happens with such regularity that I
call it a “Grande”, and it is my new dance move that I am going to use to woo my
wife when I am out on the dance floor. But, if you are to use it, be sure to
have your ass sticking out a good foot to foot-and-a-half from your body, and
look over your shoulder while batting your eyes with an attitude of “Do you see
this butt? Because this fine piece of grade A sirloin isn’t for my own
enjoyment” type of attitude. Then, when someone does make eye contact (man or
woman, doesn’t matter, the “Grande” does not discriminate), slowly move your
hands up your neck, chin, ears and hair. BOOM! You just sealed the deal and now
owe me a royalty fee of $5! You. Are. Welcome!
I’m So Sleepy
Apparently,
Ariana Grande really likes her sleep. She likes sleeping so much, that she has
a bed in almost every video she has made. She even has a futuristic invisible
floating space bed that undresses her. Amazing!
I know not
all of her videos show her on a bed, but at least 50% of them do. The other 50%
show her lying down on something that resembles a bed, or bed like structure. Trust
me on that, I checked…twice, and I’ll check again to ensure my calculations are
accurate. And she is in one of three poses in each case; Pose #1: lying on her
back, hair spread out doing the face touching thing, batting her eyes, and
singing up to the ceiling camera. Pose #2: on all fours, batting her eyes at
the camera, and can be either singing or not singing. Pose #3: writhing around
by herself, batting her eyes. Each pose is not effective for a restful night’s
sleep. Someone should tell her that because she looks very uncomfortable in
every pose.
What I am curious about it when did
featuring a Sleep Number in a music video become part of artistic expression?
Unless you are trying to convey the fact that you are ready to…Oh my God! No
wonder why teenage boys can’t stop watching! We need to have a march, or a
rally, or at least an internet petition to show Ariana Grande that we will not
be persuaded to listen to music based on overt sexual imagery in all of her videos. I’m sure I can get
signatures to stop this type of behavior…like five…right?
It drives
me crazy to think about how far we have fallen in terms of music and
performance quality for pop music. Ariana Grande is not a pop star; she is not
the “Princess of Pop”. Once she releases the next Thriller, or can actually perform two dance moves in a row (or
hell, just one dance move!) I will then consider her the “Princess of Pop”.
But, until that time, she needs to stop performing, she needs to stop giving us
songs we cannot understand, and she needs to stop making videos in which she is
half naked and repeating the same four moves over and over again. Her music is
terrible, she can’t sing, she can’t dance, and she can’t even be remotely
entertaining. The only silver lining here is that her star will probably fizzle
out in two years and no one will remember her name. I hope that happens…I hope that
happens so much…or the sea turtle amnesia thing.
Don’t forget to “Grande”!
This aged like fine wine 😂😂😂
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